Here I am once more at 0145 - had 2 hours' sleep and I fully intend to get more. I seem to be programmed to wake at this time, which is a bad habit and one I should like to get out of. Hands itchy again. I went to sleep very quickly, which was great, and dreamt that I'd had a chequered tattoo on my right knee which I was showing to everybody. The rest of the dream is a mystery. My dreams are vivid and complex, often about Sci Fi and aliens or nuclear war, and I dream long chapters, which seem to go on for hours. I might be tempting Fate by saying this, but I haven't had a nightmare for a few days. A couple of flashbacks, but no nightmares. That, dear reader, is a result.
I wonder when I'll be better. It would be nice to take pleasure in things again, to drive the car or enjoy a film. This never ending bleakness is getting to me - I have blips where I come up for air, but my default position is flat. I suppose the fact that I get blips at all should encourage me to think that there might be hope, but it's difficult to believe it. There's the rub - I know intellectually that this will pass, but emotionally I don't feel it. I don't feel much, to be honest. The doctor asks me what getting better (or worse) would look like - always a good question because it makes one think. Getting better would include Ariadne's threads of happiness, feelings of any sort, and having optimism. Getting worse would include more paranoia, irritability (I'm usually quite polite) and actively thinking about suicide - making a plan. My plan would always be tablets and I haven't got many at the moment, so that little twitch of "what if" is useless.
I I wonder who else is awake out of the people who read this blog. I'm obviously not alone in my insomnia, and it would be interesting to hear from others in this position. Tweet me @piglet 292 . Or fill in the contact form
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?