0300 Sunday Morning

I dozed fitfully, which sounds like the start of a bad detective story.  It's 0300 and I've had hardly any sleep.  I worry about perpetuating this pattern - it's a bad habit to get into.  It's not for want of trying though.  I don't even feel fatigued any more, which is worrying - that way mania lies, which would be the final insult.  

When one is depressed, time stops.  When manic, there just isn’t enough time to get everything done – life rushes past and I have no idea why other people can’t keep up or can’t follow my train of thought.  It starts seductively, and the colours heighten – particularly natural colours, like those of trees and grass.  There are portents everywhere – in the blue sky, in the sounds of birds; things begin to speed up.  My mania starts with not sleeping – but is that the first symptom, or is it the cause?  No one seems to be able to tell me, and I suppose it doesn’t matter.  I stay up later and later, pottering about with tasks of great importance, such as getting a pair of driving gloves in exactly the right shade of green.  eBay calls me, with its wonderful website and the chance of nabbing a bargain.  Eventually, I’m up all night, with no need for sleep – why waste a moment?  Life is SUCH FUN.  And as, for me, mania comes after a bad depression, it’s worth waiting for.  My friends tell me to take more drugs and I ignore them until it’s too late and the high has its hold on me.

I buy and buy – even the postman knows when I’m not well, as parcel after parcel arrives.  I don’t open a lot of them, as the fun is in the chase, not the winning.  I make excellent puns and I have flight of ideas.  After about a week, I’m trapped in a no-sleep cycle – I start to become irritable and anxious if I don’t do something about it.  I constantly hear voices telling me I’m shit and I go from ignoring them to believing them.  I’m tired and angry, but I can’t sleep despite masses of tablets.  Then comes hospitalisation and three weeks of coming down.

So that's mania for you.  This time, it came first and then I got depressed; however, I do go back up on the rebound, so I must watch out for that.  It happens very quickly, too, and I have to juggle my pills cleverly.  Sometimes, I long to be just ordinary.