0440 Saturday

So much for expecting a good night's sleep.  I'm completely wide awake - I had about an hour altogether between 0300 and 0400.  And it was fitful, rotten sleep.  In the end I put the TV on to watch the news, but couldn't follow the threads.  I thrashed about in bed and couldn't get comfortable - even the cats left.  I feel so cheated when I don't get a good night - other people do, so why can't I?  What is it in my brain that doesn't work?  Someone must know the answer, at least to the last question.  I usually take quetiapine when I'm well, as it helps me sleep - even when I'm OK, I don't sleep naturally.  I must say that imp in my head is working overtime.  Once again, I'm exhausted but I'm not sleepy.

Today, I have nothing to do apart from an HT visit, which is a great relief - it means that I can grab some sleep when I want.  And I do want.  HT are phoning at 0930 to arrange a time to come out here - I'm not sure if I'm meant to be going out again.  I know I am on Sunday.  Then it's the discharge planning meeting on Monday.  I'm rather nervous about that in case they cast me adrift when I'm not ready - I certainly don't feel ready at this moment.  Maybe I'll feel a bit better on Monday, in which case I'll go back to my care coordinator.

When I'm depressed, I become frightened of the future and what it holds.  I'm bound to get ill again, and can I cope with that?  I just don't know.