So much for expecting a good night's sleep. I'm completely wide awake - I had about an hour altogether between 0300 and 0400. And it was fitful, rotten sleep. In the end I put the TV on to watch the news, but couldn't follow the threads. I thrashed about in bed and couldn't get comfortable - even the cats left. I feel so cheated when I don't get a good night - other people do, so why can't I? What is it in my brain that doesn't work? Someone must know the answer, at least to the last question. I usually take quetiapine when I'm well, as it helps me sleep - even when I'm OK, I don't sleep naturally. I must say that imp in my head is working overtime. Once again, I'm exhausted but I'm not sleepy.
Today, I have nothing to do apart from an HT visit, which is a great relief - it means that I can grab some sleep when I want. And I do want. HT are phoning at 0930 to arrange a time to come out here - I'm not sure if I'm meant to be going out again. I know I am on Sunday. Then it's the discharge planning meeting on Monday. I'm rather nervous about that in case they cast me adrift when I'm not ready - I certainly don't feel ready at this moment. Maybe I'll feel a bit better on Monday, in which case I'll go back to my care coordinator.
When I'm depressed, I become frightened of the future and what it holds. I'm bound to get ill again, and can I cope with that? I just don't know.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?