1720

HT have been - we didn't go out as I was too tired - but it was a good visit.  Talking to someone was terribly useful, and concentrating meant that my voices and suicidal thoughts were kept at bay for over an hour.  I'm going to go to Poundbury tomorrow afternoon instead.  I asked about changing my night sleeper to zopiclone - it's not as strong as nitrazepam, but a change might just work.  I also need some 75mg venlafaxine tablets, which HT will arrange and bring tomorrow.

I'm exhausted now - it's quite intense talking about oneself for over an hour, and I'm tired.  I'm also tired of being me at the moment - I'm depressed and fed up with myself and having no joy in anything.  I still feel dead and can't really connect with others on anything but a superficial level.  I didn't need The Face with HT, as I tried to be honest about my thoughts and lack of feelings.  Now the endless evening stretches ahead, and begs the question - will I sleep tonight?  It's such a conundrum - I worry about sleep, so I don't sleep; when I wake, the devil in my head makes me get up and I don't go back until I'm tired, by which time it's often 0600.  I need sleep before and after midnight if I'm to recover properly.  If I can do that for a couple of nights all will seem better.

I must have something to eat - a bit of cheese at lunchtime