There I was looking forward to a miserable evening, stressed and anxious as it would have been, when a friend came round and lightened it up for me. Whisky and fags for her, fags for me. Then tea, and I forgot to take the teabag out of the cup - sorry. It was great to have the company and a real, meaningful chat. Thanks - you know who you are - I really appreciated it.
Now it's time to take the pills and start winding down towards sleep. I fight the drugs, even though I don't want to, as I discovered tonight - I tell them to throw their worst at me and I'll show them I'm in charge. It's ironic - all I want to do is sleep, and all my head does is put a spanner in the works. Talk about being self destructive. Whenever I am about to drop off, my head forces me awake as if to say "told you so - this shit is useless". So I stay awake and despair. Tonight I feel too awake to go to bed - I won't stay in bed if I'm not sleeping - and I wish I could get totally pissed and pass out, despite the hangover tomorrow. But I can't, which is sad. Instead, I must, as HT told me, have a milky drink, take my pills and settle down in bed - sleep hygiene is all important, apparently. My GP asked me about sleep hygiene when I was desperate a few months ago - he thought that a nice herbal tea would do the trick, when I knew I needed HEAVY DRUGS. In my experience, GPs don't do mental health very well - they can cope with mild anxiety and depression lite, but real madness is beyond them. Luckily, I have a good shrink and a good care coordinator - both of whom challenge me when I'm trying to self sabotage.
This morning, I told the nurse that I wanted to come off my drugs - quite rightly, she said now was not a good time and maybe I should wait until I've had a period of wellbeing. However, playing Devil's Advocate, it seems to me that the drugs obviously aren't working, so why not stop them now? I'm fed up with weight gain, tremor, dry mouth, restless legs, lack of libido, rashes and the like. No one knows the long term effects of atypical antipsychotics as they haven't been around long enough for there to be evidence - I'm probably heading for diabetes, for example. Bastard drugs.
Hmmmm - I think sleep will be elusive tonight; I just have that feeling. Back later, maybe.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?