Not a good day. Highspot was Erle calling in at 2. Otherwise it's been hellish - dark and dreary with no light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually took some lorazepam at 6 - I hate giving in, but it had to be done. Now I'm wondering why I didn't take it before. Depression does something weird to one's defence mechanisms - all my usual strategies are forgotten in the moment and I struggle. I suppose it's back to the drugs for comfort, although I prefer to avoid extra benzos. The night looms - I hate dark evenings - and I can't help thinking about whether or not I'll sleep. I managed last night, so there's no reason why tonight should be any different.
I spoke to my sister Dinah earlier - she always cheers me up as she's so positive about life, so thanks Bouge. She's making tomato and chilli chutney - she's very good at things like that, and I often reap the benefit at Christmas. She plays a lot of tennis in her spare time.
I'm avoiding Strictly on TV - can't stand Bruce Forsyth and it's time he gave in gracefully. I'm an X Factor girl - although it's a bit of a freak show, it makes me cringe and laugh at the same time. My voice is nothing to be proud of - it's a fag soaked bass baritone.
I think I'll go to bed and watch crap television, take my pills and hope for the best. Night night.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?