I went to a funeral today - it was packed out with standing room only. The guy who died had lived in the village since 1975 (1985?) and had been involved in many things. He was only 68 and died rather suddenly. I hope I'll have as many people at my funeral.
Going to funerals always leaves me thinking about mortality, mine in particular. I was brought up as a high Anglican, and used to read the interesting bits in the Book of Common Prayer during boring sermons. Consequently, I can recite all the liturgy from memory. The best church I ever went to was the Free Church in Germany - not the slightest bit stuffy but not too modern. Since I came back to the UK I've been a fair-weather churchgoer - high days and holidays only - but I sometimes wish I had a proper faith that I could depend on. I'm not sure if it would help when I'm ill, as everything deserts me when I'm depressed. I used to be convinced that there was an afterlife; now I'm not sure. I suppose I'm a lapsed Christian. I have, however, planned my funeral - lots of stirring military music and some rousing hymns, with a couple of readings thrown in.
As you can see, I'm awake again. This time it's bitter lemon and fags. I shall try to get some sleep as soon as the thing I'm downloading has finished.
I'd love to pretend that I'm sitting here drinking decaff and puffing on my e-cigarette, but actually I'm having a coffee made with full strength caffeine and smoking Camels. I can't seem to nod off - took 100mg quetiapine at 2100 and nothing happened. Admittedly, I've been a complete couch potato today, but Wimbledon always has that effect on me. I watched the whole day in my pjs. My arthritis has been rather bad as well - both my shoulders and both knees are buggered, so perhaps that should be a warning to all you sporting types out there in insomnia-land. I take heavy duty pain killers four times a day (just to add to everything else) but even so, the aching breaks through. X rays show complete collapse of the joints, so there's nothing to be done except more surgery. Which I'm not having.
The weather has cooled off a bit - last weekend we celebrated the Summer Solstice by having a party that started at 1pm and ended at midnight, and no one managed to get up to see the dawn in. The following day, after everyone had gone, I just sat and stared into space because I was completely knackered. The rest of last week was quite busy, but I've had Friday and today to myself which has been nice.
I don't understand sleep - how can one not succumb when one is so tired? All I want to do is drop off - this not getting to sleep is becoming a habit, which I'd like to break as soon as possible.
Had an ECG the other day - I have to have one every 6 months as I'm on two antipsychotics - and it was fine. I told the doc about my weird sleeping/waking loss of breath - most mornings when I wake I can't get my lungs to work and my heart beats irregularly; it's as though someone is sitting on my chest. I think it's the quetiapine, but she thinks it's an unusual type of sleep apnoea.
I've dropped my Abilify to 30mg to see how I get on. Last time I saw the psych we discussed my meds and as I already take quetiapine, which is sedating (hah!), and venlafaxine in the mornings, he wondered if the Abilify was actually doing anything. I"m quite nervous about reducing drugs, but I'll give it a go.
Oh - I got divorced, by the way.
Well, hello again. This is turning out to be an habitual thing - waking at 0215 and not getting back to sleep till the early hours. Recently I seem to have seen dawn rise on quite a few occasions - very pleasing in itself but not what I would really want. I'm seeing my CPN today and I don't want to declare my sleeplessness because she'll think I should take more medication and I don't want to. So it's back to the hot milk (vanilla flavoured) and fags.
There's nothing on TV at this time of the night, although sometimes there's a good film. I watched Brighton Rock the other night - nothing like a spot of violence to help one doze off. At the moment, it's Al Murray the Pub Landlord hosting a quiz show where the winner takes home a frozen chicken. Is this what my life has become???
I'm trying out an e-cigarette at the moment. I'm still smoking, but the e-fag is for the times when I've just had a cigarette and it's too early to light the next one. I have a feeling that's not meant to be how it works.
Well, I might try bed again - I can always come back down here.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?