Good evening. Apart from yesterday, I've spent the week in pyjamas. My sleep has been all over the place, but last night wasn't too bad, and in fact I overslept. During the long watches of the night, I did a bit of spending - bummer. So I now have two iPads, one of which I have to sell, so I shall put it on Gumtree; I'll also put a card in the village shop. My sister saw that I'd put it on Facebook and asked me some hard questions! There's something about the hour of 0100 which prompts me to go on the internet. Having said that, I'm sure that playing with an iPad at that time is no good for sleep - I missed the window of opportunity that the drugs provide.
I'm still OK on the reduced Abilify, so I think I'll try to reduce it a bit more over the next month or two. I'm in dispute with my surgery about painkillers - I am prescribed 2 tabs 4 times a day, but the dispensary will only give me 2 tabs daily. I've just sent a snotty email to them, so I hope that provokes a response. Why is it that everybody in these surgeries thinks they know better than the doctor? "Doctor is busy - what is the matter with you?" MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. And it's THE doctor, not just doctor. My GP is excellent, so I"m lucky, I suppose.
I've bought a cunning little gadget - it's a remote speaker for iPads and computers and it looks like a yellow mushroom. So I can listen to music on my iPad in another room. Amazing. Gadgets always attract me, I'm afraid - if it's a gadget, I've got it.
Well, it's bed and television time, so I hope I shall sleep tonight.
So much for thinking I was going to go to sleep tonight. It's now 0200. I have reduced my email inbox from 1400 to 456 and in the process, discovered some unexploded bombs that I need to answer. A publishing company has approached me to discuss my blog, which is all very flattering, but if I'm going to publish, I'd rather do it myself. Not that I probably will - it's good just to write it.
My shoulders are very painful so I've taken some more drugs - the pain wakes me up in the small hours, which is most annoying as I find it difficult enough to sleep at the best of times. Anyway, worse things happen at sea, I'm told.
The tennis on Sunday was absolutely splendid - although I wanted Federer to win. Had a lovely lunch with friends beforehand, and then we steeled ourselves to watch the match. Much shouting was committed.
I had a pyjama day today. When I wake up at a good hour, my routine is to come down, make coffee and read the papers on my iPad. Mostly, that works and I'm ready for the day. Sometimes, as today, I fall asleep on the sofa instead of reading the papers, and I can be asleep for two or three hours, which means I find it difficult to sleep at night. Another cardinal sin is that I use my iPad in bed - bad light for going to sleep. The only other thing is that I'm reducing my aripiprazole, so that may be having an effect. Or maybe I just miss the window of opportunity, when the drugs are starting to work. Whichever one it is, here I am.
I see that the NHS bigwigs want us to pay to see our GPs, or taxes will have to go up to pay for healthcare. I assume people like pensioners and those who don't pay for their prescriptions will be exempt - or will they? Once again, the Government asks the poor to pay for Government mistakes. And don't get me started on welfare reforms. I recently had to fill in a 46 page questionnaire about my health, and only 2 questions related to mental health. I did have the chance to add a personal statement at the end, so I ranted a bit, which made me feel a lot better. Needless to say, I've heard nothing.
I shall now try to go to sleep!
I see that I was downloading last time I was here - a language course in Spanish, I can't begin to tell you the trouble I had with the bloody thing. I eventually spoke to someone in Mumbai and managed to install it. The trouble was that every time I tried to open it, it said I had to download another update, and every time I did that, it refused to install it. However, problem solved and I'm now able to say a few words in Spanish. Hola.
So far so good with the Abilify reduction to 30 mg. However, because the surgery operates such ridiculous hours for the dispensary, I couldn't collect my meloxicam (anti inflammatory) and will have to do without it until Monday. It's a pity, because that particular drug builds up in the system, so it will be a few days before it works again. I don't notice the relief it gives until I stop taking it.
I'm listening to my funeral music at the moment, which sounds rather odd, but it's very uplifting. As I've said before, I've made all the arrangements, and now I've put all the music on my iPad so no one has to fret.
The cats are up and about, largely because they get fed if I'm up. They've all been out because it's raining and their coats are wet. (Move over Sherlock)
I'm going back to bed to see if I can get some more sleep. Adios.
Once again I'm waiting for something to download - a language course in Spanish. I've got a friend in the village who speaks it, so I'm hoping to chat to her from time to time. I was going to learn Arabic in order to solve the Middle East crisis (Tony Blair having made such a hash of it), but as most of my holidays are in the Spanish islands, Spanish seemed more appropriate.
I watched Andy Murray crash out of Wimbledon today, having seen Nadal do the same yesterday, so the Championship is up for grabs. In the days BA (before arthritis) I used to play a lot of tennis, mostly during my time in the RAF, when I was part of a Station's third pair. My aim was to put my racket in front of the ball and hope it went over the net - shot placing being beyond me. I preferred squash, to be honest, but I imagine all that twisting had something to do with my bad knees. As did the hockey, netball, athletics and sailing. I think the only reason I got into the RAF was because of my sporting prowess! Happily, I then found out that I was good at being an officer.
To return to religion. I think I may have more of a faith than I realise. I weep when hearing church music, or at weddings and funerals - I always go to the Good Friday service because it gives me silence in which to stop and weigh up my life during the previous year. However, I no longer have that visceral feeling of true belief - I used to have it but I can't find it now. I say visceral because it was a physical feeling for me; a coming together of all things. When people say "my heart swelled", that's how faith felt. I do think, however, that to maintain a faith, one should actually go to church - it's very difficult to practise faith alone. I could never be a religious hermit. I did once want to be a missionary, but that was after watching Audrey Hepburn in The Nun's Story, and I was only ten.
I always wanted to be a marine biologist - mostly because I grew up by the sea. However, I chose the wrong subjects at O' and A' level! With hindsight, my sciences, apart from chemistry, weren't up to it. Then I thought I might be a teacher, but eventually decided that it would be the RAF. And a great time I had.
The thing has downloaded now, so I shall check it and then try to get some sleep.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?