How appropriate that I should be awake during the missing hour - recently I have felt that I was entirely missing from life. The last few days have been better, although I've been very tired and have slept a lot. Hence no blogging, for which I apologise. I still wonder who reads this.
My lovely friends arrived yesterday - we've known each other for 22 years. They are a wonderful couple - funny, charismatic and such good company. There are very few people I could have had to stay at this stage in my recovery, but they are welcome. We spent the afternoon and evening in the kitchen, eating and drinking - firstly tea, then whisky/vodka and wine - then adjourned to the sitting room to watch TV. There's a great deal of rubbish on during Saturday nights.
Today, we're having a roast with two other friends from the village, and then two more friends are coming for drinks in the evening. The weather forecast is full of dire warnings about gales and floods on Sunday night and Monday morning, so I expect to keep my house guests until Tuesday.
More coffee, I think.
I think I'm becoming nocturnal. Night finds me awake and day asleep. I have to be alert for my guests today, who are coming at lunchtime, so I suppose I could have an extra hour in bed. Speaking of which, the clocks go back tonight so we all have an extra hour. I get quite jet lagged when the clocks go forward, but I'm OK when they go back.
I felt the Black Dog yesterday for a short time - from about 5pm until bedtime I was terrified that it might come back. I have no idea what caused the drop in mood, but I went up to watch TV early and fell asleep at about 2130. I think it's OK now, but it just shows you that it takes a while to lose it. That mineshaft was very visible for a while.
I think I'll have another coffee and another fag, then try to go back to sleep.
I slept fitfully when I went back to bed, and watched the news for some of the time. Then I had a terrible dream in which I was being chased by a serial killer with horrid sharp teeth - which left me a bit unsettled when I woke up. Had a lazy morning finishing off the kitchen, and the study is now absolutely full of rubbish. A friend came for coffee at 11, which was very nice, then I got dressed and here I am. I have to drive this afternoon, which is making me slightly anxious, but I'm sure it will be fine.
Just had pork pie for lunch - most enjoyable. My fridge is full to the brim with food for the weekend - I think I may have over ordered. Never mind - I'll eat it all when they've gone. The weather forecast for Monday is pretty dire - storm force winds on the coast - which means it will be quite bad here. Let's hope we don't get blown away. Better get myself together for the drive.
It's funny how completely alone one feels in the middle of the night - it's not loneliness, because I don't really ever feel lonely, but it's just that feeling that there's no one else awake and the night belongs to me. When I was ill, I didn't like it, but now I find it quite interesting and seductive - when I was young, my Father would accuse me of turning night into day because I liked to stay up late and sleep in. I have a couple of friends who get up at 0500 and they say it's the best part of the day - I must say that I don't agree with that, but it's not scary when one is well. Just annoying to be awake.
For those of you who are regular followers, you'll know that I used the mineshaft as an analogy for depression. I can still see the mineshaft, but it's further away and I can't remember what was down it. One day, I'll read this back and see how it was, but it's too close to do that at the moment.
Maybe it's back to bed.
It's 0440 and here I am again. I had some weird dreams, but the TV was on and I think I was half listening to that. Just ordered some flowers for a friend who was very kind to me when I was ill - checking up on me and ringing me three times a day, bringing me soup and chocolates. I've realised that I have some really good friends who do things for me unconditionally - one brought me a lasagne which meant that I had hot meals. People sent me parcels and people declared that they had had depression. Looking back, I can see who helpful that all was - I found it overwhelming at the time. But now it seems that I have made new, good friends who really understand what it's like.
I think I'll try and go back to sleep now - it's been rather an unsettled night.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?