Better now - an hour has passed and I managed a doze on the sofa. These flashbacks always leave me exhausted. I can't use mindfulness when they happen - it's all too intense and immediate to think straight. I'm pissed off - I didn't feel too bad this morning but feel low and miserable now.
Ariadne was the daughter of MInos, KIng of Crete. She was in charge of the labyrinth and was the Goddess of thread spinning and weaving. She married Dionysus, God of wine. Her threads were like those of a spider - gossamer thin and very strong. My Mother told me all about her. When my Mother got a flash of happiness, she called it an Ariadne's thread. I had those threads this morning - I thought I could see the way out of the labyrinth, but it proved to be a false dawn, so I'm gutted. To have had a glimpse of what might be and then lose it is cruel. Maybe there will be more threads tomorrow - I don't dare to hope in case I'm disappointed. Ariadne hanged herself, so maybe she's not such a good role model.
I called the surgery today to ask if I could put eumovate on my itchy hands - it's a steroid cream that is good for skin problems. So I'm now greasy and still I itch - however, it should calm the hands down in time.
I must do the washing - I'm running out of things, but it's a huge effort to get my act together. I've put it in my diary for tomorrow, so maybe I'll manage it then. I have, however, emptied the dishwasher and refilled it, so a small success. The evening approaches and I'm scared of going to bed. When I wake in the night, I get up so as not to associate bed with insomnia - that seems to be the received wisdom from those who know about sleep. Get up, make a hot drink, calm down and when sleepy, go back to bed. No 1 problem - it's difficult to calm down, and No 2 problem - I don't become sleepy once I'm awake, I just feel exhausted. My coffee machine makes hot milk, so I can do the hot drink thing, but that doesn't seem to be enough. That's when I hit the lorazepam. I can take up to 8mg a day, and so I take 2mg when I wake up, to relax me. Sometimes it doesn't and I despair about ever getting a good night's sleep again. It will happen one day, but bloody when?
Just about to make yet another egg banjo - I seem to be living on them. I had lasagne for lunch, which just needed to be heated, so was easy. I had to cancel my Tesco's order for this morning to see Dr G - it's now coming on Saturday, and I've got enough to last until then.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?