Kate arrived with an old fashioned cake stand and sandwiches, macaroons and raspberry fingers. That was to make up for not going to Mayfair today to have afternoon tea and see a play. The cake stand is wicked , and the cakes were lovely. HT arrived and ate them as well. It was such a thoughtful gesture and I was really touched - simple things make a difference. The nurse and I talked about going out, and someone is taking me for a coffee tomorrow if I'm up to it. That means I have to have a shower and wash my hair - too difficult a task to do today, but tomorrow who knows; I may feel just a bit better. I'm reluctant to be optimistic in case I don't sleep and it all goes wrong again - I can't bear the thought of disappointment. The most that I can say is that I'm no worse.
People continue to be kind and gentle. I've had numerous messages on Facebook and via email today - it continues to surprise me that they care. I don't feel deserving, I just feel rotten inside, as though I am filled with dark matter where no light can penetrate. Mornings are still hellish, but I don't have to use The Face much.
I got three days' supply of meds today - I wouldn't feel 100% safe with more in case the thoughts overwhelm me in the middle of the night. I'm glad I don't drink, as my inhibitions would go, and suicide might become a more attractive option. My will to live fights with my desire to shut everything out until it's all over. So far, the will to live is more powerful, despite the thoughts and voices.
Kate has gone for a nap with her iPad - I'll FaceTime her when it's time to get up. I don't know what I'd do without my friends; that unconditional support, and knowing that I don't have to explain how I'm feeling.
I've just looked at Twitter to see what's trending - there's some stuff on mental health going on. I'm on Twitter as @piglet292. I don't understand all the subtleties of Twitter and I don't get hashtags - must try harder. Think I'll have a nap too, so more later.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?