I know, I know. I haven't given it enough time for the drugs to kick in. I am, However, not a bit sleepy, although I am tired. I'm trying a new e cig which tastes of cherry, and very nice it is too. Typically, having not been in need of food all day, I now want something to eat. Baked beans? Bacon butty? Egg banjo? I'll consult my stomach. Bacon wins.
Once again I'm alone but not lonely - I'm very fortunate in that I never get lonely. When I'm like this I stare into space a lot, but people don't figure. I never know what to say - after all, who would want to talk to an empty shell? I did have a good conversation with my sister tonight - she's a wonderful person and I'm tremendously lucky. I'm also lucky with my friends - I have a marvellous group. So why do I get depressed when my life is so full? It's not, of course, like that. Depression makes no allowance for life.
I rather think I'm in a mixed state - as well as having all the depressive symptoms, I get agitated. If there's an obstacle, I panic and it takes on overwhelming proportions. At other times I feel dead. By that I mean I am a blank, a hollow object, useless. I could have a achieved much more over the years - all that time I was ill and staring into space. I have lost my dynamism. Actually, at the moment, I've lost myself.
I'll try bed again.
I should have realised that when I have a virus, my mood does something. It also does something when I give up smoking. Well, dears, I'm back down the mineshaft, with the tendrils of depression wrapping themselves around me once more. When I recovered from the virus, I realised that I was having terrible trouble getting to sleep, then dozing in the armchair during the day. And feeling very odd. It came to me in a flash - it's mood, not virus. Once I realised that, I put my drugs up - 200mg quetiapine and 300mg venlafaxine. I've left the Abilify on 20mg - regular followers will know that I'm gradually reducing it. And lorazepam for the agitation.
The increase hasn't worked. I have now called the Home Treatment team, and they came to visit me today, which was reassuring, and made me feel a bit safer. We have a short term plan - take lorazepam at night as well as the quetiapine - and it was an abject failure this evening. My bed is comfortable, I'm very tired (but not sleepy), the bedroom is dark; but I ruminate and my brain won't stop working. So here I am once more.
I'm having a massive clear out of my house - or at least I was until this struck. There are two enormous boxes to go to charity and a pile of kitchen equipment that is waiting for a large box. I have got a large box, but it's full of wine at the moment, so I've ordered a big wine rack to go in the third bedroom - it is ridiculous how much booze I have in this house, considering that I don't drink. Anyway, the kitchen is nearly done.
My heart sinks when I think about time. I can't bear to look ahead as it's too frightening - I can manage hour to hour. Six weeks since I had a proper ciggy - the e fags are taking a battering.
Well - back to bed? I'll give it a try.
Day 31 0f no real fags. I'm still welded to my e fag, smoking it in bed, even. Luckily I have quite a few batteries as I go through them like shit through a goose. I don't miss real fags at all. I'm still drinking the vanilla coffee, however, so it's much the same as always!
I had a wonderful week in Minorca with four girls, including my sister, who is a VERY Good Egg. We all came back brown and mostly hungover - the cocktails were fantastic. Three of us had a horribly early start as we had to be at Gatwick at 0400 - we left here at 0030, having had a bit - but not much - sleep. We arrived at Mahon in good order and were taken to Villa Cleo, which was way above my expectations. Because I snore (hehe) I had a double en suite room all to myself - the others shared two rooms. It was lovely, and there was a heated pool, with various things like a pool table in the garden. High bushes made us quite private, and there was hardly any traffic on the road outside. The beach was five minutes away, as was the supermarket and all the bars.
We ate out on most evenings and there was always fresh fish on the menu, which was great. Those who did the shopping always took rather longer than expected, and the rest of us discovered that they had been refreshing themselves with beer or cocktails on the way back! My favourite cocktail was a Pina Colada - I just love rum and coconut. The others had Blue Lagoons, Daquiris, Singapore Slings and so on. When we were by the pool during the day, we made our own cocktails with gin, malibu, orange juice, fizzy wine and whatever was in the fridge.
On the evening that we ate in, Dinah managed to light the BBQ, and we had veg kebabs and chicken fillets, with various salads - lots of food. And drink. Poor Kate came down with the lurgy and spent some time in bed, but I think she's on the mend now. All in all, a fab holiday.
On Tuesday morning, I came down with a kind of flu, and I've been mostly in bed ever since. Achy, shivery and with a headache. So I'm taking paracetamol and hoping it will go away. As a consequence, I'm not sleeping terribly well.
So bloggers, I shall try to go back to bed. I hope you're al OK?
Well hello there. I haven't been to sleep yet, despite 175mg quetiapine; I've watched TV, read a book, counted sheep and so on. I've just had some toast and some yoghurt, in the hopes that it might make me drowsy - it hasn't worked yet.
Had waxing today, and my toenails painted, so I'm unexpectedly glam from the thigh down. Perhaps that's too much information. I must arrange a massage as well - Indian Head Massages are just the best thing ever, and they are doing an offer, which includes a facial. Now I'm in the middle of tidying up the bathroom, having temporarily given up on the larder. I'm not doing anything later so I'll tidy up a bit more.
This is my 15th day of not smoking real cigarettes - I'm still nailed to my e cig, but that's fine. I don't want to assume that I've cracked it, but things are getting easier, and people around me who smoke don't worry me. What's more, I don't mind people smoking here, which is just as well, as so many of my friends smoke. The WHO are making a fuss about e cigs in case they are dangerous - ridiculous, in my view. Vaping anywhere is marvellous.
I"ve been writing this blog for a year now, so thank you to all those who have read it.
It's Day 13 of giving up real ciggies, and so far so good. I've been around people who have been smoking and I didn't want one. However, I have punished my e cig and can't bear to be without it - I even keep one by the bed. At the moment, it's saving me a bit of money, but the cartridges are expensive; I'd rather be smoking them, though.
Had a lovely supper provided by Liz - avocado and chorizo salad, followed by yoghurt. I'm trying to eat in a more healthy way - now I have a new fridge, I'm motivated to eat better things. At the same time, there's more room for ice cream in the freezer! I've discovered Irn Bru ice lollies and can eat quite a few at one go. Not for me delayed gratification.
My kitchen table still has half the larder on it; I've stalled in my tidying up, although I have done some of my bedroom. I can't believe how much "stuff" I've got, all over the house - the charity shops are in for a treat.
Apart from not sleeping, my mood seems to have settled - I was quite buzzy the night I sorted out my CDs, but the extra quetiapine helped. I'm now on 300mg at night, along with 20mg Abilify, 300mg venlafaxine and lorazepam PRN. I'm also taking 50mg quetiapine twice a day.
Well, back to bed to watch QI.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?