Cheese and Biscuits

It's 0430 and I'm still here at the keyboard, wide awake.  I've just had some cheese and biscuits - cheddar with caramelised onion, and Rich Tea - so I might have another go at sleep.  The thoughts and voices are still with me, but I'm managing to keep them at bay for the time being.  I took another lorazepam, illegally, but to no avail, so I think I'm here for the duration.  Because I'm not tired, I worry about going high, but I suppose I'll have to wait and see if it happens.  Signs are:  not sleeping but not being tired (tick), buying things on eBay and Amazon, flight of ideas, irritability and pressure of speech.  So far, only the sleeplessness is there.

I've talked before about not being spontaneous when it comes to mood, and this is a good example of the phenomenon.   I can't just relax and say that I'm having a night awake; I have to analyse it to see if my mood will change.  I suppose it's necessary, but it is a bugger.  The trouble is that I have no control over sleep, so I can only watch from the sidelines if I go manic because of nights like this one.  I just have to hope that I'll stabilise.

I've got the SAD lamp on, but I'm not sure if one is supposed to switch it on during the night - is it stimulating??  I'll have to check on the internet.  Just did that - it appears that opinion is divided.  Some sites say use it whenever, others that it should only be used during the day, and that use in the evening will push sleep back.  Now I don't know what to do.

I'm hoping to go out with HT tomorrow, and maybe go round to see Erle again.  Small steps.  I couldn't have done any of those things a few days ago.