Goodness me - I've just read my earlier post, and I must have been feeling quite angry. Well I know I was - but shifting to irritability isn't good, as it usually means I'm getting a bit worse. Dr G asked me what the signs would be and I said that if I became irritable, that would be bad. On the other hand, I was actually feeling something, so maybe that's good. Who knows, or cares? I'm just sitting on this bloody cusp, waiting to go up or down, and hating it. I've had 2 hours' sleep - shome mishtake shurely? Error 404 - sleep not found. Switch off, unplug and try again later. Push esc and reboot.
I wonder who reads this - other insomniacs? I know from Facebook that my friends read it, but it's had many more hits than I have friends, so I'm baffled. I know I'm making this episode very public, which has had its own rewards in the shape of gifts of food, but who could possibly be interested? Or is that my low self esteem talking? I'm extremely grateful to everyone who has read it - it's very kind of you. I sit typing away while night closes in, and people are asleep, and somehow, from the loneliness of here, my words get out there.
Loneliness is part of depression - no one can enter my state of being, let alone help. I'm not lonely sitting here, but I suffer from global loneliness - the feeling that I'm typing from behind a glass screen that shuts out everything and everyone. The glass stops me from communicating, except through this blog, and keeps me away from all the things that I crave at the moment - love, warmth, happiness. I am an Untouchable - a Dalit. Depression is also very selfish - I have become self obsessed, with every little shift in my mood open to analysis. Is so and so a good sign or a bad sign? When you have an illness like this, it becomes impossible to be spontaneous - I feel a bit wobbly one day, and I'm convinced I'm dropping. I feel happy on another and I fear mania. I can't just go with it - it has taken me over, this fear of change.
So here I am, on the cusp, waiting for the sword to fall. I'm on a plateau, trapped in a low mood, not certain what will happen next. Will it be an Ariadne's thread, or will it be the mineshaft?
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?