Even Later

I fell asleep with the light and the TV on, woke up and switched them off, fell asleep again, and now here I am.  It's 0030 so I've had two hours - what is it that wakes me up after that amount of time?  I've fed Arthur and Daisy, but I think Lucien is out hunting.  My hands haven't itched and they don't look quite so bad, so it's Eumovate from now on.  I didn't have any Shreddies earlier, so I might have some now.

My Aunt has been reading this - she's 92, nearly 93, and is wonderful.m  She keeps chicken and is out in all weathers looking after them.  We speak most days on the phone and often end up having quite deep conversations.  Last time it was life after death.  I am stuck when it comes to religion - I think of myself as a spiritual person, but I don't go to church and I only occasionally pray - usually when I'm in trouble.  I've been through two phases in my life when I had faith - once when I was young and once later in life.  I felt completely content when I was in those phases, and my life felt worthwhile.

I was brought up as a high Anglican, using the Book of Common Prayer and the KIng James's bible.  We went to Communion every Sunday at 0800, because my Father wanted to "get it over and done with" so that lunch was on time.  It was a contemplative service - no music and no sermon, just one's thoughts, and I used to get a lot out of it.  However, when I was having my first episode, I went in desperation to the 1100 service - but panic overwhelmed me and I had to leave.  I thought God had deserted me in my time of need, which was, of course, rubbish - if God is all that we believe him to be, he doesn't desert people like that.

In the RAF, I often went to church - the Anglican service - but felt there must be more to life than the Church of England liturgy.  So when I was in Germany, I went to the free church (odds and sods who weren't C of E or Catholic) and found a place I could comfortably be in.  My friend Jackie was one of the ministers, along with an RAF Methodist and an Army Methodist.  There were thunderingly good sermons, intelligent and questioning, and a strong community.  I loved it.

When I came back to England, I stopped going to church on a regular basis - I hadn't lost my faith, but I was lazy.  Now I go to the free church in town if I go at all - the church in the village is too evangelical for me.

Do I believe in God?  I really don't know.  There are people, like Jackie, who make me think there is a God, but I don't practise my faith.  I wish I did - I think about it quite a lot, but organised religion isn't for me.