It's October 1st and I've just said "rabbits" - my Father told me it was lucky if that was the first word you said at the start of a new month. Anything's worth a try. Nothing could be worse than the end of September for me.
I was lost for words earlier, which doesn't happen often. Liz came to the door with four portions of home made lasagne, wrapped so that I could freeze them, and a jar of damson chutney. It meant that I ate a hot cooked meal last night, which I haven't done recently - diet all to pieces. It was quite overwhelming and I felt like crying. Sheer sensible, unconditional kindness. Thank you LIz - you'll never know how much that meant.
I'm listening to Pachelbel's Canon in D - classical music being all I can tolerate at the moment, and not much of that. It blocks out the voices if I use my iPod, but it doesn't stop the intrusive thoughts of suicide. Claire (Home Treatment) asked me today if I was saving up tablets, as she was going to pick up a massive prescription for me. I'm not, although it's so tempting - a seductive feeling that I have to fight every day. Once, about 5 years ago, I spent 8 months in 20 Cornwall Road, in the grips of an unstoppable depression - and I'd saved up 1300 tablets with which to kill myself. Friends handed them in, which infuriated me at the time, but if they hadn't done it, I'd be dead. So, when I have lots of tablets, I have to stop myself squirrelling them away, otherwise it would be dangerous.
Many of the Home Treatment staff are ex Cornwall Road, which is good, as I don't have to tell my story again and again - any psychiatric patient will tell you that's the most irritating thing in the world. The HT doctor - Dr Gowing - had read my file before she saw me - many don't bother. She did think I"d been in the Navy, however, so I explained that we RAF types spit on the Navy from a great height. Fish heads. Airy Fairies. Wafoos.
Have just made myself a banjo using gobbling rods - Navy speak for sandwich and knife and fork. I sometimes find that food helps me go to sleep, but I'm not sure about tonight. I'm completely wide awake, alone with the voices and the thoughts. Bummer. HT advised taking a couple of lorazepam, which I've done, with no result. Tomorrow (today) I have psychology with Nicky and I wonder if I'm anxious about that - at the moment I can't think of a single thing to say to her that isn't negative. I'm not exactly feeling wizard.
This entry is entitled Kindness, so I would like to thank all my friends who have been so supportive - it's very hard to be helpful to someone who is depressed. Also thanking my little sister, who understands me better than most
And my agent.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?