Later

The nurse has just been, and I feel a bit better.  I was listened to and made to think this will pass, so I must hang on to that.  No more ranting, maybe?  Although it did help, I've taken down that post.  We put away some of the Tesco's order, which made me feel a bit more in control.  Control is the one thing I lack at the moment - even the nurse agreed with that.  I am knackered and despondent and I have butterflies in my stomach.  I feel as though I have committed some terrible crime for which I will be punished; that I have let people down, and that I will suffer for my sins.  Why do we revert to Christian principles - sins and suffering - when we are distressed?  Or maybe that's just me - a high Anglican upbringing, you see, full of a thunderous God and punishment for being human.

I dread the evening as it approaches - -how to fill my time?  I wait for nightfall, so that I can draw the blinds and shut everything out.

All of a sudden I seem to be having some kind of meltdown - everything is rushing in on me.  Can't get through to HT.

Later.  That wasn't nice - I felt as though the world was ending and was in total panic mode.  Used the smelling salts to bring me back into the room - heart beating fast and sweating and shaking.  Flashes of light in front of my eyes.