The nurse has just been, and I feel a bit better. I was listened to and made to think this will pass, so I must hang on to that. No more ranting, maybe? Although it did help, I've taken down that post. We put away some of the Tesco's order, which made me feel a bit more in control. Control is the one thing I lack at the moment - even the nurse agreed with that. I am knackered and despondent and I have butterflies in my stomach. I feel as though I have committed some terrible crime for which I will be punished; that I have let people down, and that I will suffer for my sins. Why do we revert to Christian principles - sins and suffering - when we are distressed? Or maybe that's just me - a high Anglican upbringing, you see, full of a thunderous God and punishment for being human.
I dread the evening as it approaches - -how to fill my time? I wait for nightfall, so that I can draw the blinds and shut everything out.
All of a sudden I seem to be having some kind of meltdown - everything is rushing in on me. Can't get through to HT.
Later. That wasn't nice - I felt as though the world was ending and was in total panic mode. Used the smelling salts to bring me back into the room - heart beating fast and sweating and shaking. Flashes of light in front of my eyes.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?