I think I have to resign myself to being awake during the night. I haven't slept a night through for two months, despite industrial quantities of drugs - something forces me awake and here I am again. Then I doze in the mornings which I don't want to do. I'm still lacking in motivation - hence the pyjamas all day - but maybe that's because I've deliberately emptied my diary. When I'm well, I am out of the house a lot during the day, but this episode has changed that - I don't want to go out now. Maybe that's because I'm not totally well yet.
The number of hits to this blog goes up a lot during the night, as I've said before, so I imagine lots of people like me leaning over laptops and wondering who else is alive. It's that time of night when everything is at its lowest - body, brain - and when everything seems so much worse. More people die at 0400 than at other times of the night. It's neither one thing nor the other - it's not really night, but it's not day either. In the summertime, it gets light, but now it's horribly dark. The weather forecast is shit, with rain and high winds, and that's enough to depress anyone.
One more fag and then I'll try to sleep again.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?