Well, Home Treatment have been - it's always nice to see them as they boost morale by reminding me that this won't last for ever. For a short time, I believe that, then the thoughts rush in and I lose it again. I've just made myself eat something - I don't get hungry any more, but try to eat when I can. HT are going to take me out tomorrow to the garage to get some cash, and already I'm wondering if I'll be able to have a shower and get dressed to do that. Cross each bridge when I come to it. Small steps. Live in tiny chunks. Otherwise the panic sets in at the vast expanse of time ahead of me, and at the difficulties that will crop up.
I'm always so negative at the moment - it surprises me that anyone would want to be near me. I feel I am giving off such negativity that it must be almost visible. I have a view that people are either drains or radiators and at the moment, I'm a total drain. I'm an empty vessel, a walking disaster area. Actually, not so much walking as slobbing out - I hardly move from this table. The laptop is my lifeline to the real world - if people are reading this, then I must be alive to be writing it. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only person who has ever felt like this; but I know that millions of others have been down this path, and if they can recover, so can I. Depression makes one feel a lot of guilt - about everything and anything. I feel bad that I'm not being a good friend at the moment; that I can't do a simple thing like answer the phone, but most of all, it's a global and free flowing guilt that pervades everything. It's like a black tide that washes over me, taking good feelings away - I'm reminded of the Dementers in the Harry Potter films, who suck out souls.
I'm going to try to channel hop in the sitting room. I'll write more later.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?