Awake at bloody 0400 and still awake now. However, I have had a shower and got dressed - a major achievement which has left me exhausted. How stupid. The intrusive thoughts are flying in thick and fast - I have to struggle to remember that a. they are only thoughts and as such have no power, and b. that I have strategies which I can employ to lessen them. It's hard to do either; how do you fight a voice telling you that you are a shit person, when your self esteem is low and you believe that?
Just had a conversation with Kate, who reminded me how physical depression can be - exhaustion, pain, dizziness - I feel all those things every minute of every day. Home treatment suggested I get some fresh air in the garden, which I did, but although it was good to breathe something other than nicotine, it didn't really help. When I'm well, I love sitting in the garden but at the moment, it's a step too far - outside makes me panic as it's endless. I already feel as though my atoms are dispersing, flying apart, and that I might actually follow suit and just explode with it all, in a kind of spontaneous combustion.
Had mushrooms on toast at 0630 and now I'm eating gingerbread men and drinking coffee; my diet isn't, as you will agree, very healthy. I can't abide the thought of getting a meal ready and in any case there's nothing I want to eat. I'm not really hungry although I am thirsty most of the time - drugs, I suppose. How I long for a bag of speed or a tablet of ritalin to adjust my reticular activating system - there - didn't think I knew that, did you? It's a part of the brain responsible for stimulation and I think mine has shrivelled up and died, along with motivation and self esteem. And what have they left behind? A barren waste, a hopeless mind.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to listen to music; I seem to have developed an exquisite sensitivity to noise, which is a bit of a bummer because I use my iPod to help with the thoughts. I'll keep on trying, but it grates a bit. Grieg's "Morning" is a case in point - I love it, but the flute is too piercing; maybe I'll try bassoon concertos instead. Their low notes might be more soothing, like the CD the tuning fork man played when I was having my sound treatment, which used very low frequency noises.
Merrick is coming round, so we can listen to music to slash one's wrists by, as he's a bit low as well. I feel some Leonard Cohen coming on ...........
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?