Hannah's Blog - The Crazy Piglet
  • Home
  • BLOG

"My Heart Aches

5/10/2013

 
..and a weary numbness pains my soul, as though of hemlock I had drunk".  Keats - Ode to a Nightingale.  We did Keats at school, but I never got on well with his work.  I preferred more modern poets.  However, he was right about the weary numbness paining the soul.  I seem to have no feelings but at the same time my soul hurts - it's a pain that never ends and is never absent from my days and nights.  It's worse at night in solitude and sometimes I think I might die of it.  Not sleeping hasn't helped me today - everything seems more of an effort.  I've filled the dishwasher, but I can't quite put the rubbish out.  My kitchen table is a monstrous mess, clutter everywhere, but I can't tidy it, despite it making me feel stressed.

Kate and Bruce came round, which was nice as I didn't have to put on The Face.  They're off to walk the dogs at Cerne Abbas.  The very thought of walking in open spaces makes me tremble - outside is too big a place to go with any safety.  The Tesco's trip with the nurse last week was bad enough - I had a complete white out at the cash machine.  So no going out for me for a while.  Do I feel safe in this house?  I think so - anyway, HT have most of my drugs, and that would be my method of choice.  I've been sitting here so long I have callouses on my elbows where they rest on the table.  I shall be covered in cobwebs next, like Miss Havisham in Great Expectations, and no one will notice me as I get older and older.  I might resort to Keats's hemlock if that happened.  I have to believe that this will improve.

I've had my Berocca today - it's a fizzy orange tablet that contains vitamins and minerals.  Because my diet is so bad, I try to take it once a day, along with some supplements that are supposed to help with joint pain.  Yes, along with everything else, I have arthritis in my shoulders and knees.  Had a total right knee replacement about 5 years ago, but it didn't work very well, and so it still hurts.  I've had to give up fly fishing as my shoulders don't cope with casting any more - and I miss it; it is a wonderful way of being in touch with nature, and it's terribly relaxing.

The nurse came to see me from Home Treatment - she's so good at what she does and has lots of skills up her sleeve.  She's going to arrange for me to see Dr early next week as my mood won't shift - maybe I'll have to increase the venlafaxine.  Mind you, I'd do anything to get better.  I told her my thoughts about the mineshaft and said that I was quite a long way down - it's always tempting to pretend one is better than the day before, but there's no point in that, so I told her the truth.  She asked me if I felt safe at home and I pointed out that I didn't have many tablets, so couldn't do anything if I wanted to.  I promised to let them know if I begin to feel unsafe here.  I also said I'd open my mail this evening, so I shall have to do that.  HT will phone in the morning to fix a visit for tomorrow, and in the meantime I can call whenever I need to.

Some friends of mine have just left a message - I sent them a note to explain that I wasn't able to see them at the moment because I was ill, and they have just responded with good wishes.  I can't face talking about how I feel at the moment to anyone who doesn't understand - it's just too difficult.  I know intellectually that this will get better, but not being able to feel that, or be optimistic, is dreadful.  I shall persevere.          






Sue
5/10/2013 09:58:14

"I have to believe that this will improve" - dear, lovely Hannah, I truly believe this for you. I'm thinking of you lots, and sending you gentle healing wishes for the next hour, and the one after that, and so on...until you begin to feel better. And you will. xxx


Comments are closed.

    Author

    I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar.  I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD.   Funny old world, isn't it?

    Picture
    □□□ □□□ □□□ □□□

    Archives

    August 2015
    December 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Home
  • BLOG