Panic

I didn't have that nap - Merrick has just gone and I am swamped with panic at the thought of filling my time between now and bed, and even then, sleep is not a given.  HT suggested a couple of lorazepam, so I've taken them and I'm just waiting for them to kick in.  Funny thing panic - I have nothing to be scared of except fear itself, the mind killer.  My heart is pumping and my hands are shaking as I am trying to control this free floating anxiety.  Panic for a reason is OK - panic without a reason floods me with adrenalin and I have nowhere to use it.  I'm not fighting or fleeing, just sitting waiting for it to stop.  My stomach is  in a panic too - anxiety always hits me there, and I feel sick.  I can hardly type but I have to get this out.  Staff tell you to notice the thought and let it go - bollocks to that at the moment.  The thoughts fill my brain and there's no room to fit in advice.  I am telling myself to calm down - talking out loud as if that makes a difference.  I"m trying to use visualisation - I imagine a flat sea - but then it turns into a raging storm with the waves crashing about me as I go under and can't breathe.  I'm trying to control my breathing as well.

Lorazepam gradually working - it's been 10 minutes since I wrote that.  My hands have stopped shaking and my breathing is better.  What a bugger.  Usually, it's the mornings that are shit and afternoons get better, with vile evenings - today, I was fairly OK when I awoke and it's all gone downhill since then.  Lack of deep sleep around midnight leaves me very wobbly, I've noticed, but I mustn't worry about tonight.  Actually, I am worried about tonight - will it be another endless one?  I'm really tired now, but I'll try to stay awake.