I didn't have that nap - Merrick has just gone and I am swamped with panic at the thought of filling my time between now and bed, and even then, sleep is not a given. HT suggested a couple of lorazepam, so I've taken them and I'm just waiting for them to kick in. Funny thing panic - I have nothing to be scared of except fear itself, the mind killer. My heart is pumping and my hands are shaking as I am trying to control this free floating anxiety. Panic for a reason is OK - panic without a reason floods me with adrenalin and I have nowhere to use it. I'm not fighting or fleeing, just sitting waiting for it to stop. My stomach is in a panic too - anxiety always hits me there, and I feel sick. I can hardly type but I have to get this out. Staff tell you to notice the thought and let it go - bollocks to that at the moment. The thoughts fill my brain and there's no room to fit in advice. I am telling myself to calm down - talking out loud as if that makes a difference. I"m trying to use visualisation - I imagine a flat sea - but then it turns into a raging storm with the waves crashing about me as I go under and can't breathe. I'm trying to control my breathing as well.
Lorazepam gradually working - it's been 10 minutes since I wrote that. My hands have stopped shaking and my breathing is better. What a bugger. Usually, it's the mornings that are shit and afternoons get better, with vile evenings - today, I was fairly OK when I awoke and it's all gone downhill since then. Lack of deep sleep around midnight leaves me very wobbly, I've noticed, but I mustn't worry about tonight. Actually, I am worried about tonight - will it be another endless one? I'm really tired now, but I'll try to stay awake.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?