Just finished - ace meal. Now completely full up with quorn, peppers and onions. I still don't think I was worth it, but it was lovely. It meant I didn't have to think about this evening's meal, which was wonderful as I have trouble eating well. My diet at the moment is dreadful.
I've got 4 episodes of Holby City recorded, but they give me pleasure, so I can't make myself watch them as I don't feel I deserve to be happy. Maybe one day. I've functioned well this evening, as Kate has her own lived experience and does understand what it's like. So I don't need The Face, which I had to use this morning. The Face is a brittle representation of myself - it is fixed and rigid, and shows no real emotions, just the ones other people expect. Why do I do it? To protect others from the full horror of how I am feeling, I think. It's especially difficult when people are nice to me - I retreat into myself. I think The Face might break at any minute as it seems fragile and delicate - only I know how temporary it is. Underneath is the real me, waiting to disintegrate.
It's nearly time to take the pills and start thinking about bed. I'll give it an hour and then get into my clean sh
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?