Where oh where is Restless Legs 1, I hear you cry - the computer deleted the whole bloody post, so I'm thoroughly pissed off. So pissed off, in fact, that I've had a double friend egg banjo - see previous post for the meaning. I went to bed after writing it and, as I thought, posting it, and I buggeringly well can't sleep. I feel light headed with the tablets, but wide awake. So I'll try to reproduce the work of art that was my lost post.
One of the many side effects of quetiapine is restless leg syndrome. It feels as though there are ants crawling under the surface of my skin, twanging the nerve endings, and it's most unpleasant. Quetiapine is supposed to send me to sleep, so it's a bit much to get an effect that keeps me awake - I jerk around under the duvet like some ghastly puppet being worked by a lunatic. I asked the doc if there was anything I could take for it, but the only thing the BNF recommends is denied to bipolar patients as it affects seratonin. As do all the anti smoking drugs, by the way - not that I want to give up, but it would be nice to have some chemical help if I did.
I wish I could drink copious quantities of booze to get me to sleep - it used to work, but the drugs make drinking unpleasant, so I can't even do that. I used to smoke dope, but that made me paranoid, and being awake all night waiting to be burgled isn't pleasant. So I gave that up too. I found a picture of me in uniform today, and I was very trim - antipsychotics have put paid to that. So - I don't drink, I don't do weed, I'm overweight AND of course, there's no sex, because one's libido vanishes on these drugs. Not that I care about sex - I'm so set in my ways that the very thought of sharing my house or bed is anathema to me. However, I believe that the sum of one's vices is a constant, and that when one disappears, the others increase to fill the gap. So, I'm now a 30 a day smoker.
When I was a drinker, I would polish off at least a bottle of wine every night - the corkscrew would come out at 1800 and off I'd go. The RAF is a wonderful training ground for drinking - have you ever been to a reverse dinner? One starts with a couple of brandies, then has cheese and port, then pudding and sweet wine, then the main course with red wine, and then the fish with white wine - topped off by a sherry. Now you know how safe the free world was during the Cold War, with the RAF's hand firmly on the nuclear trigger.
Alcohol - symptom or cause? Symptom, in my view - it helps mask the unpleasant feelings of mania and depression. Quite a few bipolar sufferers have been referred to AA to deal with their drinking; when all it needed was someone to see that it masked the pain of illness. Ditto dope - many a young man has been diagnosed with schizophrenia because of a cannabis induced psychosis; that condemns them to a life of psychiatric drugs and a terrible label, when some drug counselling would have done the trick. I used to run a hearing voices group, and a couple of teenagers came along - they had been told they were schizophrenic and they heard voices. However, they both said that they had used cannabis to help with the voices, and that it wasn't mental illness - the voices stopped when they stopped the weed. I wish mine would stop, too. I miss the alcohol and the weed, although the weed riveted my bum to the seat and I wasn't exactly productive. I once put some resin in scrambled eggs and was stoned for 36 hours - it's much more potent in food, I think.
Today, I tried to make myself more positive by listing things I'd done that I was happy with. The only thing I could think of was getting published in two books - Our Encounters with Madness, which I co edited, and Modern Mental Health. (Both available on Amazon........feel free to purchase) My intellectual mind knows I have achieved in life, but my emotional mind - the one in charge at the moment - tells me I'm rubbish. I don't think that, but I do feel that, and it's feelings that get me. Having said that, I hardly feel anything at all at the moment - I'm drained of emotion, a hollow shell and a waste of space. So, overall, I didn't have much on my list - I'll try again tomorrow.
I've just laughed. I've received an email from Amazon - they try to match things to your buying pattern and then suggest them to you. The email said "Hannah - you're a fan of Madness - why not buy their album?" Only a computer could get that wrong.
Just made a herbal tea - I would prefer real builder's tea, but I don't want any caffeine. Well, I do, but I'm not going to have it. I love energy drinks - they lift my mood for a few minutes. I used to buy Red Bull, but I can get KX for half the price in Tescos. Goodness me, I'm frugal when I'm depressed - it makes up for the ludicrous spending I do when I'm manic. This time it was ashtrays - I must have a dozen now, all different shapes and sizes. Still, all my friends smoke, so you can never have enough. of them.
Tescos are delivering at 1100 - it's a nightmare unpacking the stuff when I'm low, and this time I have to clear out the fridge to accommodate the new things. Another nightmare. But I have to eat, although I don't enjoy it and I can't be bothered to cook, apart from heating things up. I hate shopping, apart from when I'm manic, so I do all my grocery stuff online, which means I may never put a foot inside a supermarket again. Whoopee.
On that note, I shall try again to go to sleep - I'm dizzy with fatigue, but that doesn't equal going to sleep. May see you later.
I spent 16 years in the RAF defending the Free World , then got bunged out unceremoniously for being bipolar. I and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Funny old world, isn't it?