So Much for Sleep

I know, I know.  I haven't given it enough time for the drugs to kick in.  I am, However, not a bit sleepy, although I am tired.  I'm trying a new e cig which tastes of cherry, and very nice it is too.  Typically, having not been in need of food all day, I now want something to eat.  Baked beans?  Bacon butty?  Egg banjo?  I'll consult my stomach.  Bacon wins.

Once again I'm alone but not lonely - I'm very fortunate in that I never get lonely.  When I'm like this I stare into space a lot, but people don't figure.  I never know what to say - after all, who would want to talk to an empty shell?  I did have a good conversation with my sister tonight - she's a wonderful person and I'm tremendously lucky.  I'm also lucky with my friends - I have a marvellous group.  So why do I get depressed when my life is so full?  It's not, of course, like that.  Depression makes no allowance for life.

I rather think I'm in a mixed state - as well as having all the depressive symptoms, I get agitated.  If there's an obstacle, I panic and it takes on overwhelming proportions.  At other times I feel dead.  By that I mean I am a blank, a hollow object, useless.  I could have a achieved much more over the years - all that time I was ill and staring into space.  I have lost my dynamism.  Actually, at the moment, I've lost myself.

I'll try bed again.