Today

Just had a call from HT - they are coming at 5 and we will go out for a drive and maybe a coffee.  Before that I have Erle, Liz and Jenny, so a busy day, although Erle may not come as she's having a hectic day.  The early morning has caught up with me and I feel tired, but not bloody sleepy; it's the sleepy feeling that I want.  I've written a letter to a friend in Scotland who's not on the internet, so I'm snail mailing her to say don't call as I'm not answering the phone.  I'll ring her when I'm up to it.  I can only deal with some people.

I must be completely mad as I started to think about Christmas.  That put me in a panic - I can't even think about this afternoon.  So I've shut the thought out.  I wish I could shut my other thoughts out as easily.  They come thick and fast with talk of suicide and how much better off people would be without me.  I hope that's not true, and my logical mind knows it's not true, but the thoughts persist.  Tiredness doesn't help.  I wish I could read and I wish I could listen to music, but I can't do either, which is very frustrating.  I stare into space quite a lot.

I think I'll go and have a shower, which would be one thing to tick off my list.